i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
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Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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