I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
