I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
