she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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