HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
