dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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