Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
