The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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