Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
