I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
