Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
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Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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