I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
