Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
