Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
