Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
