its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
