someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
