I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
