So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
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I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
this is an emotional support booty call
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