my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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