i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
