The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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