Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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