i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
