I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
