I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
ttyl tear gas
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
