Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
