Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
