OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize