He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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