am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
