dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
