just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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