im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
