i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
