just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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