Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
