Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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