so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
