the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
