rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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