he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
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you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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