i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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