you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
