I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
