"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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