tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
