great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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