if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You were trust falling into bushes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
