I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Are my feet made of real feet?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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