everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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