he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
