I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I accidentally burped into my bong.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
