I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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