Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
