why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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